Hey Taste Testers, lets talk about the bond we hope for between the child/children and the new “parent” in their life. This can be a topic of great uncertainty for the little people depending on the cause of the separation between biological parents. Both adults have to assure the kids that by no means is this new person trying to take the place of the other parent. But to consider them as a bonus mom or dad. Also biological parents please acknowledge that YOU CAN NOT FORCE A COMFORTABLE LOVING BOND BETWEEN YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR NEW LOVE INTEREST!
You can make sure your child respects this person as an adult and eventually a disciplinary if you want but you can’t make them be friends. I honestly don't see why you would want to. Something's in life should happen naturally so that you can know its real. Much like cooking not all ingredients are meant to go together until you find that right spice that blends everything perfectly. From personal experience there is nothing more heartwarming to see than the connection between your new mate and your child grow. What you can do is let your child see how happy this new person makes you. Children are able to pick up on the energy that their parent gives off. My son age 4 getting ready to turn 5 at the time was able to see that I would be in such a happier mood when my manfriend, who at the time was just a friend would be around. Seeing how comfortable I was enabled him and his sister to be more relaxed around this new adult. Not to mention the fact that he had two children of his own that they got along with. As time went on my children began to actually ask for him and wonder the next time we would all be together. When he would be at our house his interaction with them pretty much sealed the deal, whether it was playing video games, helping with homework or a good old fashion “all the kids(4) attack dad while mom stands in the corner videotaping and shaking her head” lol.
Now from a non-bio parent standpoint my relationship with his boys grew from food, equality and seeing my sincerity towards their dad. Much like my children, when they saw a genuine happiness come from their father it began to help them to relax. Not to mention there is nothing like a good home cook meal and being treated equally. I have always treated his children the exact same way i treat my own. I am loving and nurturing by nature and an honest sense of endearment goes along way with kids. Now we all have our own special bonds and nicknames and family jokes. His boys ask if I am home when they get out of school and my kids get excited when his truck pulls up to the house. Knowing that these bonds of respect and friendship were built naturally make them so much more special and has prevented us from the dreaded my”stepchild” hates me or the hurtful “you're not my real dad or mom” statements. Here are just a few things to practice or consider when working towards building that bond or even when trying to repair it:
- TIME - by no means will this happen over night
- HONESTY - be genuine with the children, kids can sense phoniness a mile away
- LOOK FOR COMMON GROUND - look for like interest or if the child is trying to include you in something try it out they are looking to see if you are also interested in them and not just their parent
- Don’t Push - the more you push to be that super step parent the more apprehensive you may make the child
Until next time guys make sure your bonds are real and strong!